March 25th was one of the better days I’ve had in awhile. Actually, it was the best day of my life thus far. March 25th, my sweet Seth asked me to marry him. I don’t recall with any precision my response, though I believe it consisted mostly of ecstatic screaming and hopping. Regardless of the exact exchange, we decided to get married October 17th of this year. With a not-so-far-away date, we* immediately jumped into planning mode (*may be translated as “I”). The last month has been a swirl of celebrating with loved ones, emailing vendors, and trying to remember that normal life still needs to be lived. The adrenaline hasn’t equalized yet, and I don’t expect it to any time soon.
Weddings are one of my favorite celebrations to attend, so I was thrilled at the opportunity to plan my own. However, I quickly noticed it’s not what I imagined. Rather, I’m not the person I imagined I would be while planning a wedding. I’m not saying I’m a bridezilla, though that may come later, but I’m something more destructive. This planning process has exposed how stony and untrusting I’ve let my heart become. I’ve heard myself whisper, Well what’s the point of doing that or asking for this when it’s not going to work out anyway? Rather than being excited and positive, I tend to despair when the logistics of an October wedding become complicated: All the best venues are booked? Well, I guess I’ll be a troll bride and get married beneath the 71 overpass. And why not serve goat for dinner while we’re at it? Why do I immediately drain my wedding of all hope? I’m sabotaging myself and making my fiance and family miserable.
Unfortunately, my negative attitude is rooted in something deeper than my being a zealous planner or a perfectionist. Instead, my negativity is motivated by my lack of trust that Jesus wants to take care of me. I find myself believing He doesn’t want me to be happy. Yes, I know He wants me to find my joy in Him and Him alone, but I often translate that into meaning He’ll punish me if I’m “too happy” or “too excited” about my wedding. If I’m excited about this it will become an idol and then He’ll take it away from me, says my fear. I have to keep my excitement in check or I’ll end up with no wedding or husband at all. I coach myself to expect the worst so anything I receive is miraculous. I drive myself to the bottom to avoid potential disappointment.
But this doubt doesn’t align with what I know to be true about God. Certainly, I am capable of glorifying any good thing in my life above my Creator, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t want me to enjoy the good things. They are gifts from Him, given freely and with love. Not enjoying them means not trusting His goodness and generosity. When I peer at God’s gifts suspiciously, as if they are a test for me to pass or fail, I don’t view them rightly. His gifts are reflections of His character, meant to direct my heart to Him. So while I shouldn’t be happy merely in the gifts themselves, I have the freedom to enjoy them because Jesus purchased that freedom for me. He gives me spiritual life through Himself, and in the same way, He fills my physical life with wonderful reminders of who He is and what He has done. Yes, I will have struggles and sorrows in my life, but that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t care for me or doesn’t desire my happiness. God isn’t a God of tricks, but of truth.
So then, if God exists in truth, my thought process must change. Instead of asking, Am I too excited about getting married? I ought to ask, What truth about Himself is God revealing through my marriage? Through my wedding? Through choosing the perfect linens? In the same way I must also ask, Will everything be OK if I don’t get the perfect linens? The most beautiful wedding? The most peaceful marriage? Of course, the answer is always Yes! God has already secured all that I truly need through the blood of His Son. For this security I am most thankful, and because of this security I am able to accept God’s blessings without skepticism or fear.
Even in my rejoicing I need redeeming;
My best days still require Jesus’ cleansing blood.
Through lowest and highest His saving is steady
His care never wains, His truth never less true.
