In a previous post, I mentioned my sin of self-loathing (which is just another side of self-obsessed, in my case) as it relates to feeling inadequate in the social media world. But this self-hate has threaded itself through my life in many areas: disappointment when I didn't perform in school, disgust when I looked in the mirror, frustration when I upset a friend, etc. I know I am not unique in these self-hate outlets. I think my self-deprecation began as an attempt to be humble, because humility is good, right? We're supposed to be wary of pride and the "I can make it on my own" attitude. But somehow "humility" turned into something very unholy and hurtful.
I've most recently seen the hurtful side of my "humility" in talking with my now husband. I would lament, "I'm so fat," or "I'm the meanest person in the world--I know everyone actually hates me," and he would respond with something kind and encouraging to the contrary. But instead of listening and trusting that he could see me, I would retort, "Well I know that you believe that, but it doesn't mean it's true. You're just biased and don't see the ugly parts as clearly as I do." I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, but I'm sure that made him feel like his opinion was worthless.
Seth and I have had many such conversations, usually about my physical appearance. But the most destructive conversations are silent ones between God and me: "I'm so sinful, God, why can't you just change me? Look at how proud I am? How could you ever use me for good in anyone's life? I may not be benefiting people if I keep to myself, but at least I'm not hurting them or making myself look worse." In essence, I'm telling God the same evil lie I tell Seth: I see myself better than He does. Never mind these words like "beloved" and "bought with a price" and "treasured." I see who I am and all I see is "useless."
Why I ever pretend to be wiser than God--well, only God knows. But He's been loosening my grip on my opinion of myself through a book borrowed from a friend. In her book, Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist retells a time in her life when she felt worthless, stripped of her identity, broken. She had recently purchased a fixer-upper for its old-house charm, but in her despair she could only see the fixer-upper parts of the house instead of the charm that had originally allured her. One day she had a revelation: she was very much like the broken-down house. She and the house were not in pristine condition, and in some ways they were both ugly, messy and undesirable. However, she still loved her house, no matter how tattered it remained. Through her house, she began to see how God loved her. She practiced going through her home, looking at its imperfections, and accepting that they would not be fixed immediately. Then she thought about God, loving her in her imperfections, knowing she wouldn't be perfect, and still loving her, as-is.
If often takes removing us from ourselves to see ourselves. Obviously, God's love for His children is greater than anyone's love for a house. But Niequist's story provides a helpful window into God's heart. For me, this story showed me that my opinion of myself isn't about being right, it's about trusting that God does know, that He does see me, and yet He loves immeasurably. He desires my holiness, but He bought me when I was broken. He has no illusions concerning my sinfulness--He fully understands my darkest corners. So I have to trust that I am more than my sin because He Himself makes me more.
Further teaching came this week from one of my favorite hymns, "I Asked the Lord." The songwriter recounts asking God to make him grow in "faith and love and every grace . . . ." He hopes that God will bestow him with these gifts and release him from his sin immediately. Instead, God lets the songwriter feel more heavily the weight of his sin, and it appears that God has completely abandoned him. But the final verse brings relief when God says: "These inward trials I employ/From self and pride to set thee free/And break thy schemes of earthly joy/That thou mayest seek thy all in me." In my discouragement over my sin I reveal that I am still trying to find my all in me. If I were left to myself, I would have every reason to be distraught. But, God does not leave us to ourselves. He gives us Himself. He gives us His Son's righteousness. I am broken and worn-out, but Christ and Christ alone makes me effective for His Kingdom. I cannot hate what Christ has filled, so it's time to let go of "humility" and push into Christlikeness, where hope lies.
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